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What Your Les Paul Says About You

Your guitar says a lot about your personality. When people see your guitar for the first time they formulate opinions about you almost immediately. Since I’m such a charming know-it-all, self-proclaimed internet expert, who has lots of free time I have figured out most of the clichés associated with the owners of one of my favorite guitars of all time. Oh yeah, this is all for laughs and I’m going to make fun of myself here as well. If you are one of those keyboard commando types get ready to fling some childish insults my way. You could also ask your mom if you can go outside and play for a while.

Here we go.

If you play an Epiphone Les Paul with a bolt on neck it means… I’m 11. Or it means… Thanks Grandma this is the best Christmas ever! If you can’t say either one of those two things it also means… please stage an intervention for me.

If you play an Epiphone Les Paul with a set neck it means… I can’t commit to a real Les Paul for financial reasons but for fashion reasons I can’t play a lower priced Gibson with a dull finish. It also means… Oh hey, I’m in a band. Or it means… Meh, this isn’t the guitar that I wanted but neither is this life so why start complaining now.

If you play an Epiphone Les Paul from Japan it means… These Japanese guitars are SO much better than the ones they were making in America at the same time. It also means…The sooner people understand that I am the Curt Cobain of this generation the better.

If you play a Les Paul Studio it means… I just don’t see the point of binding but if I can find someone to trade straight across for a Standard I would do it. Or it means…I’m 30 years old and I still ride my skateboard It also means… I steel other people’s wifi

If you play a Les Paul with P-90s it means… People ask me all the time if I can tell them how to get great tone

If you play A “Smartwood” Les Paul it means… I like to play my guitar at my yoga studio and while I’m washing my clothes in a river. It also means… I’m not a slave to corporate America. I totally appreciate the natural beauty for what it is. It also means… I’m sticking it to the man

If you play a 70’s Les Paul it means… Here’s my shitty business card for my shitty blues band. It also means… You should check out my band, the new stuff will blow you away, google us.

If you play an 80’s Les Paul it means… I’m really looking forward to having back surgery. It also means… can I get another beer, I’m in the band. If you play a weight relieved Les Paul it means… I just had back surgery. It also means… Hey man, can you come out to my show this Wednesday? It also means…you should really come to my show. It also means… can I get another beer, I’m in the band.

If you play a BFG Les Paul it means… I didn’t choose the thug life and it didn’t choose me either. It also means… I was going to join a gang but then I decided to build a tree house and start my own club. If you play a Les Paul with a Bigsby it means… I deliver things to people on my bike and I have a vintage camera. It also means… No, these glasses aren’t prescription. It also means… I love Neil Young but don’t really care about being in tune.

If you play a Goth Les Paul it means… I love metal, and death metal, and doom metal, METAL!

If you play a Les Paul Special, Single Cut it means… Hey bro, do you got any pot? If you play a Les Paul Special, Double Cut it means… Hey Bro, do you got any heroine?

If you play a Les Paul with EMGs it means… Bro, can I get 2 Jaeger Bombs? It also means… Mom, can you pay my rent this month? It also means… I didn’t put the pickups in myself, the guy at Guitar Center did. It also means… All I want for Christmas is a gift card to Hot Topic.

If you play a Red Les Paul it means… I love red so much and my car is red and my house is red because I like red! Oh yeah, and can you tell I love red, RED. It also means… I’m Sammy Hagar.

If you play a Les Paul from Wildwood it means… No, I didn’t get it at Guitar Center but thanks for insulting me. I’m also better than you and you’re not invited to my yacht party or the FUCKING CATALINA WINE MIXER!

If you play an Historic Reissue Les Paul it means… Do you think I’m so tone deaf that I can’t really hear the difference between hide glue and the modern adhesives? Or it means… if it wasn’t hand wet sanded, I won’t play it.

If you play a used Historic Reissue Les Paul it means… If it wasn’t better Gibson wouldn’t charge extra for the deep-set neck tenon. I can totally hear the difference between this and a regular Les Paul but, I can’t hear it enough to justify paying full price for it. If you play a Heritage Cherry Les Paul and wear a T-shirt with a Heritage Cherry Les Paul on it while making blog posts or YouTube videos about Les Pauls it means… I’m a douche bag.

If you play a Les Paul with a busted head stock it means… I like my women like I like my beer, cheep, domestic and in my mouth. It also means…my turn-ons include dating your mom, gigs at strip mall bars, sports jerseys and hats that hide my bald spot. It also means… I have the guitar equivalent of a mullet.

If you play a Les Paul with a head stock that has been busted multiple times it means… I have to drink two more beers and take a dump before we go on stage. It also means… Hold my guitar, I might need to kick that guys ass!

If you play a Les Paul with no headstock breaks it means… I never play this guitar and I’m going to act casual about how easy it is to take care of your guitar and tell you how it doesn’t matter if yours has a broken headstock when, actually, I secretly hope that by doing this you know it really does matter.

If you play a Les Paul with a Floyd Rose it means… I love the way Les Paul’s sound but I can’t stop playing Eruption. It also means… I’m Bill S Preston Esquire and I’m Ted Theodore Logan and we are Wild Stallions!

If you play a Les Paul Custom it means… I know for a fact that I’m better than you. It also means… I only have 19 dollars in my bank account and I’m sleeping on my brother’s couch.

If you play a Les Paul with a Quilt maple top it means… This is the guitar Paul Reed Smith should have made. It also means…Must be nice having rich parents. It also means…I’m from the suburbs.

If you play a 1960 Les Paul that is actually an SG it means… QUICK, I have to take a selfie! It also means… I hope everyone gives a shit about how much I know about the history of the electric guitar. If you play a Les Paul Gold Top it means… It just sounds better in the studio. What, you didn’t know that?

If you play a White Les Paul it means… I can easily out play all the other local guys. Or it means… I can introduce you to the hottest chicks. Or it means… I was totally asked to audition for that Ozzy gig. Or it means… I’m here to chop some wood and get someone pregnant! If you play a Les Paul Black Beauty it means… As a matter of fact, I am hallucinating. It also means…Hey, how many free beers do we get? It also means… I’m Peter Frampton If you play a Slash Les Paul it means… I play a signature model of a counterfeit of a signature model and one day I’m going to get someone to build me a counterfeit of this so I can get an endorsement deal for my own signature model so some kid can play a signature model of a counterfeit of a signature model of a counterfeit signature model. (Actually, if anyone wants to really do that give me a call this sounds like a really fun project.)

If you play a vintage Les Paul from 1957, 58 or 59 it means… I’m a billionaire… fuck off! Or it means… I’m Joe Banamasa… fuck off!